Dee dee dee da-da-dee-dee For those of you who don't read music, that's the opening beat to Queen's "Under Pressure". Quite the song, and if you haven't heard it, you are an unacceptable example of a human being.

I chose that song for a very particular reason.

I want to start out this rant/post/whatever, by saying that I love my job. For many reasons it is the best job I have ever had, and I will probably work there for a large part of my time in college. Occasionally, I don't want to go to work but once I'm there I enjoy it.

College is a new thing for me. I've never lived on my own before (even if it is with three other girls), never been wholly in charge of my own food, laundry, dishes, living space, etc. I am 75% financially independent, taking classes, trying to keep my GPA up, and thinking entirely too much about the future.

In short, I am under some serious pressure that I've never felt before. Maybe others can handle this stuff easily, can adapt and slip smoothly into their new life but that little corner of self-doubt in my mind can and does tend to cripple my ability to accomplish anything.

Right now, I'm taking an english class who's major focus is writing. I don't write. I have no ability whatsoever. At one point I aspired to write fiction and gave up for good reasons. This will be a hard class and the papers will only get longer as I go on. My natural inclination to procrastination just makes it worse. I feel the paper in my head saying, "Hey, I'm still here. You need to write me. Come on!" But I invariably find anything else to do instead of writing it. I wait until the last moment and the entire time I'm putting it off, I feel the burden getting heavier and heavier. Ugh.

Trigonometry is another one class I have inflicted upon myself this semester. I hate going, I can't pay attention in the class, I make stupid mistakes that cause me to get 75's on the tests, and I cannot STAND the professor. The exams weigh on me the same way my papers do, and I put off studying as long as I can.

My computer class is the only class I'm remotely comfortable with, while Anthropology and World Religions are in that iffy grey area entitled, "I might be able to do this." I'm still really bad about studying for them so we will see.

I need to clean my bathroom, I need to clean and organize my closet. I need to hang up my clothes, and wash the nice underwear I don't trust to the washing machine. I need to clean up my dishes and get rid of all this goddamned junk in my room that distracts me. Just looking into my closet gives me a headache and I can't deal with it.

I have a hard time focusing on schoolwork while I'm in my room and I don't like being in the living room and there are too many frivolous things that for some reason I think I need to buy and books are expensive and food is either healthy or cheap but never both. There are little stacks of coins on my keyboard tray because I thought I could start rolling them, but then my OCD kicked in and I accomplished nothing except making it difficult for me to pull out the tray without knocking something over.

Everything about my living space frustrates me. Even my bed frustrates me. Nothing is perfectly square and fitting into place. My pictures don't line up properly on the walls and my desk doesn't fit where it is nor does my dresser or my wire boxes or my TV and there is JUNK EVERYWHERE. I can't bring myself to do anything about it so I go around with this ever-so-slight pressure on one side of my brain that just gets heavier and heavier so slowly you don't notice it until your brain is being pushed out your other ear and you can't think about anything except the goddamned MESS.

Augh.

I want to take everything I own and throw it into a big pile and only take out the things I really, truly need. That would be nice.

Fuck, I don't even remember why I am writing this except that its 1:30 in the morning and I meant to be asleep hours ago. I was sleepy, but as soon as the lights go out I can't sleep at all. Now I'm hungry and in order to eat I need to do the dishes.

There are so many things I want to do. I've been trying to read Tom's Hardware Guide for a few days now, but can't get past the introduction because something always interrupts me. Ben called today while I was eating, so I had to talk to him instead, which is fine. I like Ben. So many of the things I want to do require my full attention and a computer, unfortunately.

I'm being pulled in so many directions and now Steven's coming down tomorrow. That means driving up to Jacksonville and trying to keep Brian happy while sorting out my own things with Steven and we aren't going to get nearly as much time as I had hoped. I don't even know how he's going to get to the airport yet. On top of all that, I'm just plain confused where Steven is concerned.. I have mood swings ranging from dredging up old hurts I hadn't thought of in years to being excited to see him to being just "meh" about the whole thing because I'm expecting the worst anyways.

I hate baseboards. When I have a house there will be no baseboards, no carpets, and nothing that needs to be swept under. Everything will be flush against the floor and the wall and fit together properly the way it should. My bed will be in a hole in the floor so that the pillows and blankets can't spill out and mess up the rest of the room. I think maybe these details are stressing me more than they should be because of the time and the fact that I took my last pill today and will be PMS-ing quite shortly.

Pizza Hut is really the only place where the pressure completely leaves me. My world shrinks down to getting to the next house quickly and doing dishes. That's all I worry about for three or four or seven hours and it is the best thing ever. As long as I've got someone to talk to or some comedy CD going, I'm perfect. If there's music playing, I tend to think too much. Yoga is my other refuge. I like doing yoga.

Alright, this is rambling way too much. End of transmission.
-shae  ¶ 01:07